Happy Birthday Sweet Kayleigh :)
"Can you believe it's been five years? I remember the day
you were born more than any other day in my entire life. The images of the
hospital room and all the nurses are still fresh in my head. Not to mention I
can practically still feel how nervous Mommy and I were as we impatiently
waited for the doctor to bring your precious soul in to this world.
Wow…5 years. Time has certainly flown by and all I can think
of is what you’d be doing today if you were still with us. I remember just the
other day looking at a photo of when I was five. It was my very first baseball
photo when I played t-ball. I was posing with that oversized baseball bat,
wearing my little Yankees jersey and cheesing away at the camera. I had many
baby photos, but this one is by far my favorite and I it framed on the wall in my home. I like to think
you would be taking your first softball photo this year, but you would probably have to you wait a couple more years until you were the size of a normal 5 year old.
Ofcourse I have always thought about baseball over school,
but it didn’t dawn on me until I read your Mommy’s letter to you this morning
that you would be starting kindergarten this year. As soon as I read that, my
heart sank and all I could think of was the post I wrote for you the night
Heaven opened its doors. I spoke of all the milestones we would miss in your
lifetime as you grew up and one of the main
milestones was walking and holding your hand as you went to school for the very
first time.
Kayleigh…this year has been amazing in so many ways, but mainly
because I felt your presence like never before that one night on the plane. After reading that book and closing my eyes to pray about,
I have never in my life felt such a strong grasp of my soul. I like to think you were
jumping up, wrapping your arms around my neck and squeezing with all of your
might to tell me that you love and miss me…and I know you clearly put that thought in my head at that very same moment. You asked me to finish what I started
and it surely got my attention. Kayleigh. I apologize so much for ever stopping,
but I have been working non stop to continue doing what I promised to do for
you. I have actually enjoyed the times working on it because I truly feel we are
spending time working on it together. I love you so much sweetheart and you are
more than welcome to come give me a hug anytime you want to." :)
I am excited to share with everyone a hint of the present that I
am currently working on with Kayleigh.
I started this a long time ago and unfortunately put it away for a couple years, but now I am back on track as of two months ago and it is almost finished.
Since this is Kayleigh’s birthday, we would like to share with you part of a
chapter of, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow – Kayleigh’s Story.” I did not want to spoil one of the best chapters in the book, so I didn't include the events in the delivery room but here is the chapter just after when we go see Kayleigh for the very first time. Even though it hasn't fully gone through editing, I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to sharing the rest very soon.
Wishing you all the very best and thank you so much for your birthday wishes today!
***Oh...and if anyone speaks fluent html and can help me with a new blog design, please email me at AdamFreemanPT@yahoo.com***
***Oh...and if anyone speaks fluent html and can help me with a new blog design, please email me at AdamFreemanPT@yahoo.com***
Welcome to the NICU
My Mom and
I walk hand in hand down the long corridor to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care
Unit). Sadly, Aimee is still in need of recovering and is heartbroken they
won’t let her make the first visit. However, she is adamant about me going to
visit Kayleigh so I can bring back some video footage for her to see. As we
arrive to the blue and yellow doors of the NICU, we are greeted by a security
speaker with a little video camera on it. Since we don’t have a doctor
escorting us this time, we have to be cleared by security first and whoever is
watching us from the other side of that camera is certainly following protocol
as if we were entering the Pentagon. In all seriousness, I am actually very
relieved they have tight security because that means Kayleigh is safe in
there.
I press
the call button and a voice answers, “How can I help you?” I then nervously
introduced myself, “I’m Adam Freeman, here to see Kayleigh Anne Freeman…umm…and
this is my Mom.” The longest ten seconds passes until….Bzzzzzz!!!! The doors
unlock and swing open automatically. Waiting on the other side of the door is a
nurse with a pleasant smile on her face. She wastes no time briefing us the
rules of the NICU. “First and foremost, you have to wash up” the nurse ordered.
She points over to the very small wash station to the right just passed the
entry way. It sure is a tight fit with two adults, washing at two sinks in what
seems to be a two by two size room.
The nurse
then shares the first rule of washing that will forever be imbedded in my mind.
She explains, “Now this rule is very important because we do not want to spread
any outside germs to the babies, so you have to sing the alphabet song
twice through in your heads while scrubbing both the front and back of your
hands. Oh…and don’t forget to scrub between your fingers too” I chuckled
in Mom’s direction about that last part, “I think I’ve heard that one before.”
After washing my hands cleaner than they have ever been in my life, I begin to
put on this yellow plastic gown that is very stuffy. Forget the sweat that is already
accumulating because I’m nervous, now I'm roasting.
As soon as
the safety preparations were done, the nurse directs us down the hallway
leading to Kayleigh’s room. I immediately point out to my mom the wall photos with the success stories of the preemies that have beaten the odds here.
As I remind Mom of the neonatologist who made the comment, “You have to get here first,” it doesn’t take her long to pick out a space large enough on the
wall, plaster her body up against it and say, “This is Kayleigh’s spot!” With shining a
smile from ear to ear, no doubt did I agree with that comment.
All the
NICU doors are automatic to prevent us from touching anything along the way. It's
RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) season and it is very dangerous for infants, so we have to be extra careful about spreading germs. As soon as we cross
over the threshold into the South Unit, it was as if we crossed in to another
world. It is darker than in the hallway and there are isolettes in every
direction with their monitors all chiming a similar tune. I immediately could
tell the chime was a good sound because the monitors dinging a higher, somewhat
annoying pitch have nurses working diligently around the isolette. There are a few nurses on duty, some
attending the babies and a couple at a desk doing paperwork. They all give a
gentle smile as we walk by, probably because it is obvious we are beyond
nervous, looking like two brand new students in a kindergarten class.
My heart
starts to pound heavier as we pass a few of the isolettes and I can see the
babies inside some of them. I leaned in respectfully to try and catch a peek of
how big some of them are, yet I am curious if any of them are close to Kayleigh's size. I guess I was trying to prepare myself for what I was
about to see, but nothing could ever prepare me. Nothing at all!
Throughout
my whole life, I have dreamt about the day I would have a child of my own and
twenty-eight weeks ago I remember sitting in that hot tub in Orlando staring at
the stars, dreaming about the day I get to hold that child for the very first
time. I knew that in a brief
moment, those dreams are about to come true and I am going to finally come face
to face with my beautiful daughter. The anxiety starts to kick into overdrive
and I reach my hand out for my Mom’s. As it never fails, she’s already waiting
with an open hand and she squeezes it tight. I can instantly feel her energy
state and the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. We are both on the verge of
tears as the nerves in our bodies tie the remaining section of our stomachs
into a knot.
The nurse
turns toward us with a smile and motions her finger towards an isolette in the
corner. I try to smile back but the muscles in my cheeks must be in shock like
the rest of my body. With baby steps of my own, I feel as if I am walking in
slow motion while all the dings and chimes begin to fade away. I find myself
standing at Kayleigh’s bedside peering down on her through the clear plastic
shell of her isolette.
The very
moment I lay eyes on her precious little soul, my nerves disappear in an
instant and the muscles in my cheeks ever so slightly tingle with feeling as a
smile begins to dawn across my face. I am a firm believer that experiences like
this are a glimpse in to what is in store for us when we experience Heaven for
the first time. At one moment I felt scared, nervous and my body was numb to
the point that I couldn’t physically or mentally have the strength to change my
emotions. Then out of nowhere, love bursts in to my heart like never before and
quickly depletes every negative feeling with absolute ease. In less than a
split second, I start to understand the depth of a parent’s heart as the
planted seed of unconditional love is sprouting and beginning to grow inside
me.
I hear Mom
let out a deep breath and she lays her head against my shoulder, tearfully
speaking the words, “Oh baby, she is so tiny.” I wrap one arm around her
tightly and respond with a gentle squeeze. My mind is daydreaming about everything
we had been through in the past couple of months and all the miracles it took
for Kayleigh to be even alive right now. I just stare at her while repeating in
my head, “She is an Amazing…just one incredibly amazing miracle!”
Kayleigh
measures just over ten inches long and weighs 1 pound and only 1 ounce. She’s
smaller than a bottle of water and weighs even less than if the bottle was
full. She’s so small, I could easily fit my wedding band around her arm and it
would still be way too big. She’s sleeping peacefully on this tiny make shift
bed out of what looks like a hand towel. She is wrapped up in a gauze pad in
place of a diaper and has wires attaching to every extremity of her body. Her
skin is so soft, yet very fragile. I can see little blonde peach fuzz ever so
slightly around her head and on her body. Her fingers and toes are the cutest
things I have ever seen in my life. It is just unfathomable to see a perfectly
developed hand that is merely the size of my fingernail.
Every now
and then, Kayleigh will make small movements, but you can see her little chest
rising and falling quickly as her little nickel sized lungs are huffing and
puffing away. I glance up at the
monitor and to find quick comfort in seeing her heart beat pitter-patting away
just as I heard it for that very first time. Another smile begins to shine of
my face and I take a deep breath as I close my eyes to thank God for this
amazing blessing. As I stand with my eyes closed, I can feel my heart’s cadence
drumming at the same tempo as Kayleigh’s. I clear my head of the chiming
machines and start to pray.
“God,
Thank you! Thank you for being here every step of the way, holding our hands
and guiding us to this incredibly amazing day. You are an awesome God and I
know your love is never ending. I give you every ounce of glory for blessing us
with Kayleigh. She came in to this world like crashing thunder and I pray that
this little peanut will continue to show the world how amazing you are.
Continue to give her the strength to fight this battle and to overcome every
obstacle placed in her way. I know that Kayleigh has a purpose in this world
and so far she has shown so many people that with faith, hope and love,
anything is possible. I pray you continue to give her life so she can continue
sharing your love. I love you God with every ounce of my soul and I pray these
things in your precious name”
The nurse began to point out what
exactly all the wires are for as they all serve a purpose specifically designed
to measure her vital signs. “If something isn’t right, you will know it because
the alarm with the annoying ding will sound off” explained the nurse. She then
quickly pointed out, “However, don’t be too alarmed because most of the time it
will either be a drop in her body temperature or her oxygen saturation that
will cause the alarm to go off.” In other words, she didn’t want us to freak
out every time the alarm goes off.
My mind
started to wonder as the nurse was explaining the purpose of all the wires,
tubes and gadgets, “How in the world did they figure all this technology out?”
Five months ago, I sadly had no clue that the NICU even existed and definitely
had no idea what a preemie was. The only thing I remember was a close friend in
Junior High telling me he was born a couple months early and that’s why he
still sucks his fingers after 13 years. Other than knowing anatomy and
physiology, I was clueless as all of this medical mumbo jumbo was a foreign
language to me. To top off my lack of confidence, I nearly failed my foreign
language classes. I quickly
thought about Aimee and whether or not she would know anything about this
stuff, but I doubt it because she had two perfectly normal delivery experiences
with Brandon and Allyson.
As the
rambling continued in my head, I realize I have a very important choice to
make. I can sit back, go with the flow and trust these doctors will be
different than some of the less positive ones we’ve had before and hope they
are making the best decision for my daughter. Or…I can turn in to Super Dad and
put every ounce of energy in to educating myself on every aspect of Kayleigh’s
care so I have the confidence in helping make the best decisions for our
daughter’s life. The latter of the
two is a no brainer and I immediately put my game face on and dive right in.
